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Wait! There’s a “Squish the Fish” Song?!

The lyrics below are from the funny and catchy song “Squish the Fish (feat. Sticky)”. It accompanies the hilarious novel “Squish the Fish: A Tale of Dating and Debauchery” by Dave Lundy.

When I first saw her, I grabbed my fishing pole.
She gave me that look, ta slip it in her waterhole.
Advance down her field, ta penetrate that vertical line.
No block below the waist, and now it’s time to dine.

(Chorus)
Oh girl from Miami, there’s one thing I gotta do.
For this boy from Buffalo, it all ain’t nothin’ new.
Inhale your ocean breeze, goddamn it smells dee-lish.
Time ta do my favorite thing and, squish, squish, squish the fish.

Entering your end zone, you’re as excited as me.
Your eyes rolled back so far, no way ya can possibly see.
Excessive celebration flags, the refs just made the calls.
Yeah, yeah, caress me there, and deflate my balls.

(Chorus)
Oh girl from Miami, there’s one thing I gotta do.
For this boy from Buffalo, it all ain’t nothin’ new.
Was it good for you, to fulfill my wish?
Ya want me ta do it again? Ta squish, squish, squish the fish.

It was great at first, couldn’t imagine nothin’ better.
Got soaked in a hurricane, and you were much, much wetter.
Tired of dolphin-free tuna, at your tailgate party.
Hey, there goes a school-a snapper, I don’t wanna be tardy.

(Chorus)
Oh girl from Miami, there’s one thing I gotta do.
For this boy from Buffalo, I’m off to catch something new.
Don’t care what her name is, don’t matter if it’s Trish.
My clock’s at high-noon ta, squish, squish, squish the fish.
Squish, squish, squish the fish.
Squish, squish, squish the fish.
Squish, squish, squish that fish.
Squish, squish, squish the fish.

Copyright © 2017 by Bottoms Up Publishing. All rights reserved. No part of this song may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.

Maybe God Does Hate Buffalo?

This excerpt is from the beginning of “Squish the Fish: A Tale of Dating and Debauchery” by Dave Lundy. The bestselling novel has been called “The Hangover” in Buffalo, NY.

Unable to escape like a turtle flipped on its shell, a man flails his limbs through the puffy snow. As he passes out, the alcohol in his bloodstream celebrates with wildly inappropriate dance-moves that mimic the night’s sins. The orange glow from a streetlamp punctures the darkness like a police helicopter’s spotlight and frames the helpless fool in a jagged snow angel.

A few hours later at dawn, a woman is walking her Saint Bernard down the quiet street when she notices the collapsed body. Naturally, compassion fills her first thought — What the fuck? But after she reminds herself of one critical detail, it all makes sense — Of course there’s a drunk jackass lying in the snow. This is Buffalo after all. As she shrugs-off the potential Darwin Award winner, the dog picks up a scent and is pulled in the man’s direction. It tears the leash from the owner’s grasp and dashes to investigate.

snow

The shaggy beast pants above the lush and stares in wonder. Masked by a pair of pink cotton panties, the man looks like some sort of deranged bank robber. If the hound could form complex thoughts, it might speculate — For what ungodly reason is he wearing that? Is it a desperate attempt to prevent his face from freezing off? Perhaps it’s a provocative fashion statement? Or is it, quite possibly, some next-level form of perversion? But it can’t contemplate such things, so it just wags its tail in blissful ignorance. Incapable of resisting the feminine undergarment’s exotic aroma, the mutt licks the guy’s tangy-noggin like it’s a delicious lollipop.

Nearby, a fresh line of boot-prints mark a trail up to the man and continue past him. “SUN 12-17 7:16 AM” displays on the frosty LCD of his Casio watch. A frozen bottle of Genesee Cream Ale fuses with his bare hand as gusts of wind blow across the ground. In his other hand, a tattered envelope labeled “Buffalo Tickets” flaps and scatters a rainbow of glitter dust into the air.

The slobbering dog belongs to a breed known for saving dinged-up people in the snow, however, this pooch’s glowing eyes foretell that a rescue is far from how things are about to go down. The poor fellow, too inebriated to realize his forehead is about to be the target of an amorous assault, remains oblivious as the canine straddles him and launches into the grand finale. The funny thing is (which can be said when you’re not on the receiving end of such an outlandish act) humiliations like this don’t compare to the history of bad luck that the city has endured.

The owner strolls into the spectacle like her pet’s pleasure-romp is nothing out of the ordinary. As she reaches for the leash, she abruptly halts and scratches her scalp. Anger builds while she reads a urine scribbled message in the snow that proclaims, “GOD HATES BUF…” and ends in a wavy drizzle. Now in control of the tether, she gives it a harsh tug. While dragging the animal away, she reflects for a moment and mutters to herself, “Maybe that shithead’s right? Maybe God does hate Buffalo?”

Copyright © 2018 by Bottoms Up Publishing. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.

I’m a Buffalo Bills Fan: Am I an Idiot?

Published November 4th, 2017

Why would anyone in their right-mind choose to be a Buffalo Bills fan? I wasn’t born a fan, yet I am today. Four Super Bowl losses in a row — torturous. The Music City Miracle — a kick in the nuts. O.J. Simpson — I don’t even want to go there. In the past 17 years, Buffalo has had more drunk fans fall from the upper deck of their stadium (one) and more dildos thrown on their field (one) than they have playoff appearances (zero). So again, why am I a Buffalo Bills fan?

Five Bryan Cox
Mocking Bryan Cox of the Dolphins before the Miami game in Buffalo, 1995

I grew up in Binghamton, NY and, like most people there, I was a New York Giants fan and rooted for them against the Bills in their first Super Bowl. In 1992, I transferred in the spring semester to the University at Buffalo. On January 26th, I watched Buffalo play in their second Super Bowl with my new friends in our Ellicott dorm. That year I was rooting for the Bills — admittedly, it was more like rooting against the Redskins — and again they fell short of victory. After the game, people were crying and throwing crushed beer cars out of windows — and then everyone just said “fuck it” and we partied the rest of the night. I have a couple of good postgame stories, but I think legally, I’m not allowed to share them here.

The next two years of college brought two more Super Bowl losses, both at the hands of the Dallas Cowboys (F Dallas!). After I graduated, I took a job at a local company in Cheektowaga and finally went to my first game at Rich Stadium. It was a game against the Miami Dolphins and it may have been one of the greatest days of my life. I’m not lying, it was that much fun. I loved the tailgating and the spirit of the fans. There was electricity — and booze — everywhere. I watched Kelly, Thomas, Smith, Tasker, and Christie lead the Bills to victory over Dan Marino (seriously, what’s up with those Isotoner gloves commercials?) and the much hated Bryan Cox (F U! You gave us the finger — we gave you 160,000 middle fingers back). That was the day I truly became a fan.

Now I live in San Francisco and gather with the rest of the Bills Backers at the Northstar (thanks, Mark!) on game day. There’s nothing like Zubaz pants and drinking Blue with great friends to make you feel at home. Last year, we met at the bar and took a charter bus over to Oakland when the Bills were in town. Our amazing organizers, Maggie and Jeff, set up an incredible spread with wings and garbage plates. But here’s the best part — Andre Reed hung out and tailgated with us! What a trip that was!! As for the game, however, I’m still trying to forget how we folded in the second half.

Earlier in the season, a bunch of us also flew down to LA for the Bills game, and I finally met the legendary Pinto Ron at Busby’s West during the Saturday welcome party. That was a great weekend and we won the game! I also was at the 49er game in Buffalo and partied in the famous Hammer Lot! It was incredibly fun! And we won that game too!!

Like in any twelve-step program, the first step is admitting you have a problem. So here it is — I’m a Buffalo Bills fan. And you know what? I wouldn’t change a thing, and I’m sure as hell not moving past step one. I’m a Bills fan for life. I love the Bills and everything about Buffalo so much that I wrote a book and a song, which, I imagine, might put me in a unique category of fans. So if you like Buffalo (how could you not?) and enjoy crazy comedy, check out “Squish the Fish: A Tale of Dating and Debauchery”. I can’t wait to party with all of you in Niagara Square when the Bills bring home the Lombardi Trophy! Until then, cheers!!!