“Zero F*cks Given” (Scene 4)

This is from the beginning of Dave Lundy’s new novel (still in development) called “Zero F*cks Given”, a prequel to the best-selling comedy “Squish the Fish: A Tale of Dating and Debauchery”.

Chad Stanwick had the type of face you wanted to punch — handsome, yet with a permanent smirk that screamed “douchebag.” He also was the type that never missed an opportunity to tell people he was from Newton, Massachusetts — an affluent Boston suburb.

The previous spring, he won the Sigma Alpha Mu presidency by mercilessly berating the incumbent, Billy Schmear. “Do we still have the best parties?! Do we hook up with the hottest chicks anymore?!” he yelled to his fraternity brothers during his campaign. “The answer is no! And who’s fault is it?” He pointed at Billy Schmear. “Mrs. Pap Schmear’s, that’s who! He’s to blame, and only I, Chad Stanwick, can fix it!”

Chad was standing inside his fraternity house, a few weeks away from the start of fall semester, and the place was in shambles — warped hardwood floors, cracked ceilings, and walls soiled with who knew what. It was his duty to ensure the house was impeccable before for the Sammies’, the name they called themselves, had their first party of the year.

There was a knock, and Chad popped his pink Polo shirt’s collar before walking to the front door and opening it. “Hello,” he said to a man holding a clipboard.

“Hi, I’m John, the foreman. We were hired to fix up your house.” The man glanced at his paperwork. “Are you Chad?”

“Yes, I’m Chad, Sigma Alpha Mu’s president. I’ll be telling your crew what to do.”

The foreman raised an eyebrow. “Uh, it doesn’t work that way.”

“The fuck it doesn’t. I know better than anyone how to get this place into tip-top shape.” Chad looked at the Mexican workers leaning against the company truck. “Round up your hombres,” he circled his finger in the air, “and let’s get started. The hardwood floors are the most important so start by tearing them out, then paint the walls and patch the ceiling.”

The foreman shook his head. “I recommend we do the opposite of that — work top-down. The reason is…”

Chad cut him off. “Listen, do you want this job or not? There are plenty of other contractors that would be happy to take my business.”

He looked at Chad sideways and contemplated punching him square in the nose. He took a deep breath and said, “Doing it your way will add an extra week.”

“I don’t think so. You’ll get it done on schedule like we agreed or you can vámonos the hell outta here.”

The owner of the contracting company he worked for reminded him of Chad — obnoxious, arrogant, and stupid — and wouldn’t hesitate to fire someone that lost him a job. Knowing this, the foreman caved and agreed to Chad’s demands. He stuck two fingers from each hand in his mouth and blew an ear-piercingly loud whistle. The workers grabbed their tools and walked to the house.

Scene 3 | Scene 4 | Scene 5


Published by

Dave Lundy

Dave Lundy was born a devious prankster, raised in Chenango Bridge, NY (where?), and voted Class Clown in high school. While attending the University at Buffalo, he minored in English and majored in partying. After graduating college and working in Buffalo, he followed his girlfriend west to Las Vegas (alas, she wasn’t a stripper) and eventually on to California. When their cross-country fairytale came to an end, he moved to San Francisco where he’s known as "the drinker with a writing problem." While Dave’s crazy adventures are often the spark of his hilarious stories, it’s his clever imagination that takes them over-the-top.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s